Grandma Nora's Front Porch: Homeschooling Question and Answer

Dear Grandma Nora,

How do you balance in maintaining friendships for your kids AND for yourself?? I find I do a poor job at both.

My oldest (almost 12) does fine on her own by now. She can call and set up playdates on her own (she just checks our calendar and asks before calling). She has about four good friends, which is probably just about perfect.

My son (10) has to deal with a dearth of boys in our homeschool group. There just aren't that many! He's a natural leader, so in the summer when we go to the park he always has a "posse" with him. However, I struggle with keeping up specific friendships for him.

My daughter (8) is extremely social and makes new friends wherever we go. Again, though, I have trouble keeping up specific friendships for her.
The idea of calling and meshing schedules and driving here and there just makes me want to just go to bed some days! I'd much prefer having a standard playdate for them so that it's consistent and I don't even have to think about it. If I knew that every Thursday, my son went to so-and-so's house and so-and-so came here to play with my daughter, I'd have it made!

I also have daughters age 4 and 1. The 4yo is beginning to make friends, too.

Then, add to all that the fact that "I" want to have some friends!!! How do I go about finding the time to call and/or meet up with friends of my own (preferably without the kids)? I'm just so lame, LOL.

Any suggestions are most welcome. :D

Sheri

Dear Sheri,

What a great question! Making the decision to home school is definitely a change in lifestyle as well as education. As moms we become the axis around which all of life revolves.

It sounds as though your 12 year-old is doing a great job meeting her needs and becoming her own person! When it comes to your other children, here’s my advice:

Choose one or two (max) friends from the “posse” for your son and work to have a few hours a week to do things with them. As you are choosing, keep the following in mind: his preference of friend, the situation for play days (with/without full adult supervision, directed play/free time, with siblings, temperaments, etc.). As my children grew I found it advantageous to limit and guide friendships. It can be very confusing to children to understand differences in rules, standards and family situations. That is not to say that things need to mirror your family; just be cautious getting involved in something that requires more energy explaining or reteaching than you have to give.

Many younger children enjoy time with others; that doesn’t mean that they need lots of it. On a limited basis friends and outside activities can be great fun. However, you are not necessarily doing damage by not providing them with every play opportunity they would like. Scouting, American Girls Club, neighborhood get-togethers, volunteer opportunities, church functions all count and can meet that need. (Remember that your children will learn appropriate behavior from those with whom they spend the most time.) In our home, we increased their time with others as they entered the teen years.

As for Mom, different story. The most successful home schooling mothers I know have a friend that can serve as a sounding board and sanity saver. I know I have one. I would suggest that you go to park days, support group meetings, conventions and workshops, classes just for Mom. Look for one, maybe two, moms that you are comfortable around and can share with safely. Some women are always willing to talk but are not so effective at building relationships. It is more important to have one friend that is positive and thoughtful than five that are negative and unsupportive. Not sure where to find one? That’s okay. Pray about it and it’ll happen.

In a nutshell. Humans are social creatures and enjoy interaction with others. As home schoolers, most families are concerned with not becoming the ‘misfit home schooling family’ that everyone talks about. For good reason. But no one really does well with an over-active social calendar. It get is the way of other priorities and can completely wear you out!

Good luck and remember-You’re the Mom. You make the rules and have to make it all work. No guilt. Just do what you can.

Grandma Nora

Dear Grandma Nora,
I am reading to my girls everyday and I read from picture books especially the longer ones. My two year old understands and listens. She can answer questions about the story most of the time. She can even "read" them to me or herself. I have been also reading to her from narrative books, she doesn't understand these as well, but she listens and likes me to read them, she often falls asleep. I am wondering if I am doing this too early. I don't want her to get used to tuning out my voice because she doesn't understand. If this is true, do I need to wait until all of my children are old enough to understand to start narratives because who knows how old she
will be when that happens.
Thank you,
Kellie

Kellie,
Read to her! Whatever she will allow. Reading accomplishes so many
things. Remember that she is not simply gaining information. She is
learning the way language works. She is recognizing patterns and
building a mental list of words. She may not understand all of them
but as she develops as a reader herself, she will have a store from
which to draw.
And if she falls asleep, what a compliment to you. She would rather
fall asleep to your voice than to music, the TV, anything. Mom is her
security blanket.
Keep up the good work.
Grandma Nora

Grandma Nora,
I need ideas on teaching the New Testament.

Okay. Teaching in your home? At church? What age group? Personal study perhaps?
Here are a few things I would consider basic guidelines.
Whatever the setting, prayer and diligent study are imperative.
In your home:
1- I would use the scriptures as the basis for any course of study. The Institute Manuals available at the Distribution Center are wonderful supplements for older learners. But DO NOT use them in place of the reading, cross-referencing and indexing your scriptures. There are great talks on scriptural topics on KBYU or BYU-TV if you look for them. If you are looking for additional information on specific topics, look in The Book of Mormon or the writings of Latter-day leaders.
2-Remember to look for historical context as you read.
3-If you are studying the parables, look for the question or conversation that prompted the parable. Meanings are easier to spot if you understand WHY the Savior taught what He did.
4-Look for articles in the Church periodicals dealing with the scriptures. There are oodles! (For back issues, check lds.org.)
5-For younger learners, use the Friend, the Scripture Readers and companion CD: Beginning Course Kit and pictures from the Gospel Art Kit. There are also flannel board kits available. Very cool.
6-Use the hymns and songs from the Children’s Songbook or church magazines as supplements. Music is a tremendous teaching tool.
7-Do you know someone who is well-grounded in the scriptures and will stick to doctrine without speculating? Pick their brain. People find different insights as they read and can be fascinating.
8-I am partial to the writings of Robert Millet, Jeffery Marsh, S. Michael Wilcox, Stephen Robinson, Clyde Williams and Bruce Hafen. Disclaimer-these are wonderful men who are true scholars; but because their writings are not considered church-approved, read with prayer.
If you are teaching in a church setting, use ONLY church-approved resources. They would be anything with the Church’s logo on it or anything from lds.org. Church periodicals, manuals, music, scriptures, DVDs or tapes are all great learning tools. If it doesn’t have the logo it is not approved, even if it comes from Deseret Book, Seagull Book, etc. This includes commentaries, Finch Family Activities and books written for Young Women Activities or Sharing Time. They haven’t been approved by the General Committees of the Church; don’t use them for church callings.
If you want to improve your teaching skills in general, I highly recommend a study of the manual Teaching, No Greater Call. If your ward is offering the teacher improvement course and you get the opportunity, take it!
The scriptures are true!
Grandma Nora

Grandma Nora,
How can I convince my husband that school doesn’t always have to be on paper?

What is his greatest concern? Does he worry that you aren’t doing anything with them? That they aren’t learning? That you’ll miss something? Or does school on paper fit better with his learning style? What is he seeing that you aren’t? Or does he need a better understanding of the ways children learn?
Perhaps taking pictures of activities or having a written record, just for a while, so that he can see what cool things are happening. Or have the kids narrate for him, in person or on tape, so that he can hear what they are doing
Could he “do school” with you for a day to get a feel for what you are accomplishing?
Does he understand learning styles and stages? If not, time with that information may help him understand what is preferable for each of your children. One great resource for this information is the Teaching, No Greater Call manual. There are multiple sections on children, parents and family learning.
Then again, do you need to do a bit more on paper? Things don’t ALWAYS need to be on paper; but, even for young ones, you could have copy work, science charts, art work, a group time line, etc. so that he can see what a great variety of things you are covering.
Do you involve him your academic planning? Perhaps seeing what you are currently putting together would allow him input and help the two of you have the same vision of where you are going.
I would HIGHLY recommend attending classes or talking with other veteran homeschooling parents together. Sometimes talking things through with a presenter or father to father can really help things come into focus in a new way.
Sometimes as adults we forget the current situations we have for learning. Sitting in Gospel Doctrine class, watching conference, PBS, building something for the first time. All these things can command attention, concentration and a new level of understanding. He may simply need to be lovingly reminded of those opportunities he has to learn or to teach something.
One final thought, I have found it helpful any time I have a concern that my husband and I need to discuss with level heads and the help of the Spirit is to go to the temple and talk in the celestial room. We bring some of our greatest concerns to each other while there. It seems to allow each of us to connect and resolve things that are important, especially if they are family/marriage-related.
Good luck!
Grandma Nora

Grandma Nora,
I have an almost three year old and am trying to teach her to obey the first time I ask her to do something. I am not being very successful. I tell her something and she doesn't do it. I do not want her to get used to the idea that I will tell her to do something a certain number of times before I get upset. How do I teach her this?
Thank you
Kellie (mother of two girls 33 months and 11 months)

Kellie,
Aren’t toddlers great? Little people developing right before your eyes; and personalities learning to express their uniqueness in so many different ways!
How to help your daughter learn to obey quickly…hmm…
Keep in mind that children learn what they live. If you are consistent, they will recognize that and come to depend on it. If you are not, they will learn how to “play” on your mood to their advantage. With my own children (and now with my grandson) I only say something once. If I have to repeat myself, I am on my feet moving towards them. Not to use corporal punishment; I am not an advocate of spanking. Just to physically assist them in following through with my instructions. Example: You see your child heading for an outlet or the garbage can and call for her to “stop” or “come to Mom” or “turn around” and she doesn’t. Okay. As you call her name again you are already on your way to her. Turn her around, perhaps give her a toy or book as a distraction and as she changes direction, tell her how great it is that she is obedient. She needs you to be engaged and with her. She is not old enough to follow multiple step instructions on her own. Do tasks with her. Reinforce positive behavior-prompted by you or, better still, self-directed. Yes, this takes energy and focus on your part but the pay-off is great. As she gets older, she will better understand expectations and proper habits will be ingrained. It is wonderful-eventually. Give it time and limit poor options as much as you can. Impulse control takes time and learning it is a process. Keep at it. (The bonus here is that younger siblings watch and learn.)
Also, pray to see what you need to recognize to help redirect her. Is she easily bored and needs multiple good options to keep her busy? Is she working to get your attention?
Remember, Mom, her self image and understanding of what a parent is will come from you. If you act with kindness, patience and clarity you will give her the opportunity to feel secure in her world and to know she can be successful in he best ways. Good luck and keep me posted.
Grandma Nora

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